I'm jealous of people who can draw. I've never had a talent for drawing and my voice isn't particularly pleasant to listen to. I had a lateral S lisp when I was little, which means my s's came out like the soft 'th' sound. It's still around, but gets more pronounced when I talk faster. I also have a nasally voice. I want to change it, but I haven't had the money to spend on making myself talk pretty... too much going to keep me alive.
Which is why I watch YouTube, particularly the YouTubers who draw... which is most of them. YouTube is an auditory and visual experience, both things I'm bad at.
I don't know if I've ever written about this here, but I can't picture things in my mind's eye. I don't even have a mind's eye. I didn't know this was a thing until I was reading a meme about it online. It said, 'My mind was blown when I realized other people couldn't see things in their head'. Wait, what? You can actually do that? And... I can't?
For all the research I've done, there's varying degrees of aphantasia (can't see with your eyes closed) that register differently. Some people can see, but not hear. Others can only do certain colors or only remember the smells. I...see words. That's it. I'm a huge reader, and most readers say they like reading because it's like watching a movie in their head.
Harry Potter movies came out when I was little and all my friends expressed how different the actors were from what they had pictured in their heads. I thought they were talking about the illustrations in the book and was like, 'Yeah, those are caricatures, nobody actually looks like that'. I know what words mean because my brain words like an 'AutoFill' feature on a phone with a thesaurus linked in. I read that Snape had sallow skin. My brain fills in 'yellow' for 'sallow' and if somebody asks me what skin means, I can break it down in several different ways which is why I'm a good story-teller. However, when thinking 'sallow=yellow' I don't actually see the color yellow. Writing this, I have no idea what my husband looks like, but I could describe him because I remember him with words. I have written his face into my memory and I recognize it when I see it, but I can't... pull it up.
This has been great when getting over people because I have no idea what my ex looked like when we dated. I know what I wrote him as, but he doesn't appear behind my eyelids. The only time I see things is when I dream, which is every night. I have very vivid dreams and I have a lot of trouble separating myself from them when I wake up because my brain only sees when I'm asleep or have my eyes open; nothing in between. I can describe the color 'red' or things that are red to you, even putting a poetic spin on it, but when I close my eyes, I can't see it.
I thought 'picture yourself on a beach' was a metaphor. When teachers said, 'Close your eyes and go to your happy place', my happy place was a description of a place I thought would be cool to go to, not actually a place I'd been before.
My mind is like watching a play between the scenes. You hear the scrapes so you know people are moving set pieces around, but you can't actually see anything going on. I have thoughts and my brain words, but I don't have visual proof that things are happening. My thoughts seem to spontaneously appear, but I can trace where they came from by the 'sounds' they made to get there... if that makes sense. Logically, they came from somewhere, and I can backtrack to the source if I have to.
Anyway, this is why I'm so bad with art. I can't picture things in my mind that I want to draw. I know a description of what I want to have happen on the paper, and if someone else did it, I could point to it and say, 'That!' but I can't replicate it. My biggest learning curve happens when I have to visualize something, or remember what something looks like when I don't have time to form a word description. I'm terrible in sports because I have only words as a way to help me. If I make a basket in basketball, I have no idea how my body was contoured to make that happen. Playing any musical instrument requires me to play it several hundred times and commit it to muscle memory before I can achieve it. I can't visualize a piano or a guitar, so the only way I can practice is with an actual instrument. If I work with a different instrument, I'm lost because I've committed that description of that particular guitar/piano to memory and associated it with whatever playing skills I have.
Overall, I didn't know this was different than other people until I started researching it. I didn't know I was missing out on anything. I'd like to feel somewhat sorry for myself, but the truth is I've gone so long without, and I literally can't picture my life with that ability. I can describe it, but I have no idea what it would be like.
Side note: I'm terrified of Alzheimer's because I have no idea how it will make me forget things. Will it erase the words I know, or just the descriptions I have? Once those descriptions are gone, will they only be partly gone, so I can recognize my husband's mouth, but not the rest of him, or are they a package deal? I have no idea... maybe I should research Alzheimer's patients with aphantasia...
Returning to YouTube, I would love to be able to make enjoyable content for people, particularly on a platform I spend so much time on. I love cooking and writing and I feel that, with lessons, I could communicate on an understandable, if not thoroughly enjoyable, level. I want to share what I have with others. I've been told that I'm a great story-teller and I believe it. One of my passions is taking complex stories and breaking them down so the content is not lost, but the stuffiness is. My husband wants to make YouTube videos of me telling stories like Greek Myths or breaking down Shakespeare, or even my take on news stories. However, my limitations mean anything audio or visual I create won't be perceived as I want it to. I'm not sure where writing falls on the scale of the senses because you read it with your eyes, but you can technically read it with your fingers and ears too... language is an experience, not a sense, yet me writing 'yellow' and saying the word 'yellow' will conjure the same mental picture (I'm assuming) of a color you'd compare to lemons or sunshine. Language doesn't have a sense, so relying on a specific medium to transmit my ideas doesn't work since I don't understand exactly how they're being perceived.
I write 'Harry Potter' and Daniel Radcliffe probably jumped to a lot of your minds, or the cover of your favorite book, or a scene from the movie, or even just the fact he has glasses and a lightning bolt on his forehead. So many ideas encapsulated in one word.. and I evoke those reactions, memories, sensations, just by writing 2 words that, prior to 1997, weren't related at all.
There isn't really a moral or a point to this post, just some things I was thinking about at 1:30 at night when I should be sleeping because I have to get up super early tomorrow to go shopping with the family... but I'm learning to take the moments for myself whenever I can and make the most of them, even if they're inconvenient. I need me time and I need to express those feelings whenever I can.
PS, it's also really confusing for me when someone I know makes a big adjustment to themselves because it's different than how I've described them in my head. I usually don't recognize them at first unless I concentrate on the parts they haven't changed. That's how I ALWAYS know when someone got a haircut or styled their hair slightly different or is wearing different makeup. I always notice. So... never feel like your efforts to improve yourself are wasted because I will notice if you change yourself in any manner.
Which is why I watch YouTube, particularly the YouTubers who draw... which is most of them. YouTube is an auditory and visual experience, both things I'm bad at.
I don't know if I've ever written about this here, but I can't picture things in my mind's eye. I don't even have a mind's eye. I didn't know this was a thing until I was reading a meme about it online. It said, 'My mind was blown when I realized other people couldn't see things in their head'. Wait, what? You can actually do that? And... I can't?
For all the research I've done, there's varying degrees of aphantasia (can't see with your eyes closed) that register differently. Some people can see, but not hear. Others can only do certain colors or only remember the smells. I...see words. That's it. I'm a huge reader, and most readers say they like reading because it's like watching a movie in their head.
Harry Potter movies came out when I was little and all my friends expressed how different the actors were from what they had pictured in their heads. I thought they were talking about the illustrations in the book and was like, 'Yeah, those are caricatures, nobody actually looks like that'. I know what words mean because my brain words like an 'AutoFill' feature on a phone with a thesaurus linked in. I read that Snape had sallow skin. My brain fills in 'yellow' for 'sallow' and if somebody asks me what skin means, I can break it down in several different ways which is why I'm a good story-teller. However, when thinking 'sallow=yellow' I don't actually see the color yellow. Writing this, I have no idea what my husband looks like, but I could describe him because I remember him with words. I have written his face into my memory and I recognize it when I see it, but I can't... pull it up.
This has been great when getting over people because I have no idea what my ex looked like when we dated. I know what I wrote him as, but he doesn't appear behind my eyelids. The only time I see things is when I dream, which is every night. I have very vivid dreams and I have a lot of trouble separating myself from them when I wake up because my brain only sees when I'm asleep or have my eyes open; nothing in between. I can describe the color 'red' or things that are red to you, even putting a poetic spin on it, but when I close my eyes, I can't see it.
I thought 'picture yourself on a beach' was a metaphor. When teachers said, 'Close your eyes and go to your happy place', my happy place was a description of a place I thought would be cool to go to, not actually a place I'd been before.
My mind is like watching a play between the scenes. You hear the scrapes so you know people are moving set pieces around, but you can't actually see anything going on. I have thoughts and my brain words, but I don't have visual proof that things are happening. My thoughts seem to spontaneously appear, but I can trace where they came from by the 'sounds' they made to get there... if that makes sense. Logically, they came from somewhere, and I can backtrack to the source if I have to.
Anyway, this is why I'm so bad with art. I can't picture things in my mind that I want to draw. I know a description of what I want to have happen on the paper, and if someone else did it, I could point to it and say, 'That!' but I can't replicate it. My biggest learning curve happens when I have to visualize something, or remember what something looks like when I don't have time to form a word description. I'm terrible in sports because I have only words as a way to help me. If I make a basket in basketball, I have no idea how my body was contoured to make that happen. Playing any musical instrument requires me to play it several hundred times and commit it to muscle memory before I can achieve it. I can't visualize a piano or a guitar, so the only way I can practice is with an actual instrument. If I work with a different instrument, I'm lost because I've committed that description of that particular guitar/piano to memory and associated it with whatever playing skills I have.
Overall, I didn't know this was different than other people until I started researching it. I didn't know I was missing out on anything. I'd like to feel somewhat sorry for myself, but the truth is I've gone so long without, and I literally can't picture my life with that ability. I can describe it, but I have no idea what it would be like.
Side note: I'm terrified of Alzheimer's because I have no idea how it will make me forget things. Will it erase the words I know, or just the descriptions I have? Once those descriptions are gone, will they only be partly gone, so I can recognize my husband's mouth, but not the rest of him, or are they a package deal? I have no idea... maybe I should research Alzheimer's patients with aphantasia...
Returning to YouTube, I would love to be able to make enjoyable content for people, particularly on a platform I spend so much time on. I love cooking and writing and I feel that, with lessons, I could communicate on an understandable, if not thoroughly enjoyable, level. I want to share what I have with others. I've been told that I'm a great story-teller and I believe it. One of my passions is taking complex stories and breaking them down so the content is not lost, but the stuffiness is. My husband wants to make YouTube videos of me telling stories like Greek Myths or breaking down Shakespeare, or even my take on news stories. However, my limitations mean anything audio or visual I create won't be perceived as I want it to. I'm not sure where writing falls on the scale of the senses because you read it with your eyes, but you can technically read it with your fingers and ears too... language is an experience, not a sense, yet me writing 'yellow' and saying the word 'yellow' will conjure the same mental picture (I'm assuming) of a color you'd compare to lemons or sunshine. Language doesn't have a sense, so relying on a specific medium to transmit my ideas doesn't work since I don't understand exactly how they're being perceived.
I write 'Harry Potter' and Daniel Radcliffe probably jumped to a lot of your minds, or the cover of your favorite book, or a scene from the movie, or even just the fact he has glasses and a lightning bolt on his forehead. So many ideas encapsulated in one word.. and I evoke those reactions, memories, sensations, just by writing 2 words that, prior to 1997, weren't related at all.
There isn't really a moral or a point to this post, just some things I was thinking about at 1:30 at night when I should be sleeping because I have to get up super early tomorrow to go shopping with the family... but I'm learning to take the moments for myself whenever I can and make the most of them, even if they're inconvenient. I need me time and I need to express those feelings whenever I can.
PS, it's also really confusing for me when someone I know makes a big adjustment to themselves because it's different than how I've described them in my head. I usually don't recognize them at first unless I concentrate on the parts they haven't changed. That's how I ALWAYS know when someone got a haircut or styled their hair slightly different or is wearing different makeup. I always notice. So... never feel like your efforts to improve yourself are wasted because I will notice if you change yourself in any manner.
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