That's Not Love

"My boyfriend was abusive, so I broke up with him, but my relationship isn't as fulfilling, even though he's a great guy"

"I keep checking up on my ex-girlfriend over social media. I just want to make sure she's happy."

"I don't have a relationship as exciting as with my ex."

"It feels like they're the only person I'm going to love forever."

Sound familiar?

You're in luck! Today I'm going to break down why people feel this way!

First off, let's get one thing out of the way. You are NOT a bad person for breaking up with someone who was bad for you. Sometimes people just don't click. That's not a bad thing. You're not a bad person. Even if they abused you and seem to be doing better with someone else, that doesn't mean you breaking up with them was wrong. How do I know? Personal experience. Let's take a look at 'The Office', in particular the scene where Jim and Pam (stupidly) go to Roy's wedding. Pam notices how fancy everything is, much more elaborate than her own wedding. Roy seems nicer, he owns his own successful gravel company, AND he learns how to play the piano just to serenade his new wife. Does Jim ever play the piano? No. Does Jim give her a super fancy wedding? Well, Jim makes her grandma think she's a slut.

But we love Jim! Pam loves Jim! Why does she suddenly feel so awkward in her own relationship? Because abuse is addictive, and addictions take a lifetime to break. Look at how Roy treats her in the first season. He ignores her, talks over her, won't let her make her own decisions, and forces her to do things she doesn't want to do. He doesn't even see Jim as a threat because he's so confident that he knows Pam's limitations. Granted, Pam isn't perfect either, but we're looking specifically at Roy's side of the relationship. It's obvious they're just in this because it's comfortable.

Is Pam a bad person for breaking up with him? Would he eventually have learned how to play the piano for her? We'll never know and we never HAVE to know. It's logical to say that he probably wouldn't have, but that's not the point. The point is that Pam married Jim and is happier with him now than she was with Roy then.

Need another analogy? I'm allergic to basil in a psychological way. I loved pesto and ate it at every opportunity until I got sick. Now I can't have what even looks like it because my body is so sure it is poisonous to me. If I even think basil is in a dish, I get sick, regardless of whether or not it was used in preparation of the meal. Does this mean basil is bad for everyone? No. My Mom still loves basil and grows it to make her own pesto. My husband eats basil in his pasta, my friends enjoy it with fresh salads or pizza, and that's ok. I'm allergic to something that not a lot of people are. That doesn't mean I should try and force myself to eat basil to convince everyone else I'm normal.

You can have a bad relationship with someone even if others get along with them. That does not make you crazy or a terrible person. My ex and I were horrible for each other. He cheated on me regularly and while I was nowhere near a model girlfriend, I never cheated on him. We broke up and he dated the girl he had cheated on me with. Does that mean I'm crazy for breaking up with him? I don't think so. We weren't good together; it doesn't mean he couldn't be good with someone else. Orange juice and toothpaste do NOT go together, but that doesn't mean chocolate and mint, or chocolate and orange don't taste great.

Why do we feel the need to check up on our exes? Why is it so wrong that they're happy with someone else?

Most people would say it doesn't matter that they're with someone else, they just want to make sure they're happy. Why does it matter? Why does their happiness matter to you? Millions of people exist, love, hate, and die without you being aware of them, why is this person who caused you so much pain worthy of your notice? Is there really nothing else you could be doing besides making sure your ex is happy? How will you ensure their happiness, if you care so much?

What about missing them? Sure, they cheated on you, but the sex was great, or they were the best kisser you've ever been with. Maybe they were a pathological liar, but you two could talk about anything and everything! Now you're looking at your current relationship and saying, "Well, she's a nice girl, but she's just not as exciting as my ex." or "He treats me really well, but I don't feel the same way about him that I felt about my ex."

First off, you're admitting you should be attracted to the better person you're with. You've acknowledged that your current relationship is healthier. That's a good thing. Now, think back on what could possibly make you want to go back. Selfish desire for passion in the moment? Or maybe it's an addiction.

That's right. I said addiction. You're addicted to your ex. When you're in an abusive relationship, you become addicted to the person because they're constantly disappointing you, so when something good actually happens, it tastes a lot sweeter than it actually is. All those times they came home late, reeking of alcohol and tripping over themselves, all those nights you held your feelings in, or maybe you let them have it, either way, you were disappointed. It became normal. Then they come home early one day. You come in the door, and there they are, ready for a night in with you. You're ecstatic about the change in behavior as opposed to expecting it from a relationship. You no longer expect your significant other to respect you or your wishes for time with them. And you miss that? No, you miss the high you felt when they did something unexpected and good. Just when you were about to give up hope on them, they dump their side chick and say you're number 1. You shouldn't be happy about that. You should expect to be number 1, not wait for them to decide that you're worth it.

You're addicted to an allergy, someone that causes you pain regularly. And if you compare your happiness now to your happiness then, you'll see that it's more stable and better for you. That's not going to stop some people from going out and dating toxic people; people have their own choices after all, but it should prevent you because you need to look out for yourself. You don't start sniffing peanut dust if you're allergic, you don't cover yourself in honey if you're allergic to bee stings, and you definitely can't stay at the top of a roller coaster forever.

If you go in for a crazy relationship, you're going to end up right where you started, and probably a little worse for wear. That's the nature of bad relationships. You might miss the highs, but the highs come with lows and you are not a bad person for not dealing with the lows. This, 'If you can't handle me at my worst' nonsense detrimental to psychological and emotional health because the person is acknowledging their worst is something outside of the norm, not worth handling. The worst should be something outside of their control that you weather together, not a 'quirky' personality trait they bring up. It's one thing to be aware of problems; it's another to be aware of them, yet refuse to fix them. Acknowledging the problem is not the same thing as fixing it.

Break free of them, or at least stay away from them. I say these addictions are lifelong because they're going to consume you for the rest of your days if you let them. The key is to resist the urge to look up your ex, resist the urge to see who/how he's doing, what she's up to with her work. They can be happy without you knowing about it. Someone in India/China/Ireland/Canada/New York/your hometown could be happy without you knowing about it, and it does not detract from your happiness one iota. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your future self. This will either be a day you look back on and regret, or a day you remember for staying strong.

You are more now than you were with them. Every day you exist is another day you were more than they said you could be. Addiction is not love. Abuse is not love.

YouTube and Aphantasia

I'm jealous of people who can draw. I've never had a talent for drawing and my voice isn't particularly pleasant to listen to. I had a lateral S lisp when I was little, which means my s's came out like the soft 'th' sound. It's still around, but gets more pronounced when I talk faster. I also have a nasally voice. I want to change it, but I haven't had the money to spend on making myself talk pretty... too much going to keep me alive.

Which is why I watch YouTube, particularly the YouTubers who draw... which is most of them. YouTube is an auditory and visual experience, both things I'm bad at.

I don't know if I've ever written about this here, but I can't picture things in my mind's eye. I don't even have a mind's eye. I didn't know this was a thing until I was reading a meme about it online. It said, 'My mind was blown when I realized other people couldn't see things in their head'. Wait, what? You can actually do that? And... I can't?

For all the research I've done, there's varying degrees of aphantasia (can't see with your eyes closed) that register differently. Some people can see, but not hear. Others can only do certain colors or only remember the smells. I...see words. That's it. I'm a huge reader, and most readers say they like reading because it's like watching a movie in their head.

Harry Potter movies came out when I was little and all my friends expressed how different the actors were from what they had pictured in their heads. I thought they were talking about the illustrations in the book and was like, 'Yeah, those are caricatures, nobody actually looks like that'. I know what words mean because my brain words like an 'AutoFill' feature on a phone with a thesaurus linked in. I read that Snape had sallow skin. My brain fills in 'yellow' for 'sallow' and if somebody asks me what skin means, I can break it down in several different ways which is why I'm a good story-teller. However, when thinking 'sallow=yellow' I don't actually see the color yellow. Writing this, I have no idea what my husband looks like, but I could describe him because I remember him with words. I have written his face into my memory and I recognize it when I see it, but I can't... pull it up.

This has been great when getting over people because I have no idea what my ex looked like when we dated. I know what I wrote him as, but he doesn't appear behind my eyelids. The only time I see things is when I dream, which is every night. I have very vivid dreams and I have a lot of trouble separating myself from them when I wake up because my brain only sees when I'm asleep or have my eyes open; nothing in between. I can describe the color 'red' or things that are red to you, even putting a poetic spin on it, but when I close my eyes, I can't see it.

I thought 'picture yourself on a beach' was a metaphor. When teachers said, 'Close your eyes and go to your happy place', my happy place was a description of a place I thought would be cool to go to, not actually a place I'd been before.

My mind is like watching a play between the scenes. You hear the scrapes so you know people are moving set pieces around, but you can't actually see anything going on. I have thoughts and my brain words, but I don't have visual proof that things are happening. My thoughts seem to spontaneously appear, but I can trace where they came from by the 'sounds' they made to get there... if that makes sense. Logically, they came from somewhere, and I can backtrack to the source if I have to.

Anyway, this is why I'm so bad with art. I can't picture things in my mind that I want to draw. I know a description of what I want to have happen on the paper, and if someone else did it, I could point to it and say, 'That!' but I can't replicate it. My biggest learning curve happens when I have to visualize something, or remember what something looks like when I don't have time to form a word description. I'm terrible in sports because I have only words as a way to help me. If I make a basket in basketball, I have no idea how my body was contoured to make that happen. Playing any musical instrument requires me to play it several hundred times and commit it to muscle memory before I can achieve it. I can't visualize a piano or a guitar, so the only way I can practice is with an actual instrument. If I work with a different instrument, I'm lost because I've committed that description of that particular guitar/piano to memory and associated it with whatever playing skills I have.

Overall, I didn't know this was different than other people until I started researching it. I didn't know I was missing out on anything. I'd like to feel somewhat sorry for myself, but the truth is I've gone so long without, and I literally can't picture my life with that ability. I can describe it, but I have no idea what it would be like.

Side note: I'm terrified of Alzheimer's because I have no idea how it will make me forget things. Will it erase the words I know, or just the descriptions I have? Once those descriptions are gone, will they only be partly gone, so I can recognize my husband's mouth, but not the rest of him, or are they a package deal? I have no idea... maybe I should research Alzheimer's patients with aphantasia...

Returning to YouTube, I would love to be able to make enjoyable content for people, particularly on a platform I spend so much time on. I love cooking and writing and I feel that, with lessons, I could communicate on an understandable, if not thoroughly enjoyable, level. I want to share what I have with others. I've been told that I'm a great story-teller and I believe it. One of my passions is taking complex stories and breaking them down so the content is not lost, but the stuffiness is. My husband wants to make YouTube videos of me telling stories like Greek Myths or breaking down Shakespeare, or even my take on news stories. However, my limitations mean anything audio or visual I create won't be perceived as I want it to. I'm not sure where writing falls on the scale of the senses because you read it with your eyes, but you can technically read it with your fingers and ears too... language is an experience, not a sense, yet me writing 'yellow' and saying the word 'yellow' will conjure the same mental picture (I'm assuming) of a color you'd compare to lemons or sunshine. Language doesn't have a sense, so relying on a specific medium to transmit my ideas doesn't work since I don't understand exactly how they're being perceived.

I write 'Harry Potter' and Daniel Radcliffe probably jumped to a lot of your minds, or the cover of your favorite book, or a scene from the movie, or even just the fact he has glasses and a lightning bolt on his forehead. So many ideas encapsulated in one word.. and I evoke those reactions, memories, sensations, just by writing 2 words that, prior to 1997, weren't related at all.

There isn't really a moral or a point to this post, just some things I was thinking about at 1:30 at night when I should be sleeping because I have to get up super early tomorrow to go shopping with the family... but I'm learning to take the moments for myself whenever I can and make the most of them, even if they're inconvenient. I need me time and I need to express those feelings whenever I can.

PS, it's also really confusing for me when someone I know makes a big adjustment to themselves because it's different than how I've described them in my head. I usually don't recognize them at first unless I concentrate on the parts they haven't changed. That's how I ALWAYS know when someone got a haircut or styled their hair slightly different or is wearing different makeup. I always notice. So... never feel like your efforts to improve yourself are wasted because I will notice if you change yourself in any manner.