"But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you though. I remember everyone who leaves." ~Lilo.
The idea of marriage is frustrating to me because everyone always leaves. Friends grow away, or they stab you in the back. Relationships crumble to dust while you frantically try sticking them together with your tears. But they always leave. Nobody is perfect, and perfect people don't leave. Unless you're really messed up ^_~ in which case, I've missed my chance.
It's a weird complex of not being good enough for anyone and nobody being good enough for me. On the one hand, I have a multitude of trust issues, anger management problems, and a focus on the perfect. I see my flaws very clearly and think, 'Who in their right mind would want to marry such a flawed person?' ON the other hand, I see the problems of other people: infidelity, an affinity for leaving, drugs, alcohol, abuse, loneliness, depression, anxiety, pornography, hatred, illiterate, unmotivated, lazy, greedy, ... comfortable.
I can't marry anyone because they're imperfect. In order to not be a hypocrite, nobody can marry me because I'm imperfect!
Marriage is supposed to be two imperfect people loving each other perfectly... I can't trust anybody. I've always had trust issues, mostly caused by my last boyfriend that I seriously need to get over. I know, I acknowledge the root problem of this flaw.
Best friends are one thing; I can trust best friends because when they leave, they just leave emotional damage, but it's all been done before so I'm becoming numb to their nuclear fallout. It doesn't cause as much drama as it did in high school. Marriage partners? When they leave, they completely ruin your life! I've watched my friends and family go through divorce, go through terrible marriage partners, and they always manage to destroy themselves in the process.
I'm afraid in my pain of distrust. I can't trust someone to be there because I would bet my life on the fact that you're not going to be there forever. I met someone on my mission who changed my life. She was my best friend, finished each others' sentences, and had so many plans for when we got off our missions. We were going to play Pokemon together, text every day, write every week, Skype once a week, get to know each other, and she has barely spoken to me since I got home. A quick phone call, a few texts barely skimming the surface of hurt, and she... I don't know where she is.
Part of me says, 'Well, she probably went to Germany early to see her dad, and her phone doesn't work across the continent, so that's why.' The other, more rational part of me that stopped believing, says, 'Another one bites the dust.'
Rushing into a marriage simply to prove myself wrong isn't in the cards for me. I'm not that type of person. I don't know how to deflect the resigned sadness inside, but I'm not going to trust any 'Prince Charming' that comes humming along, thinking he can 'fix' me.
I'm not broken; just worn out.
The idea of marriage is frustrating to me because everyone always leaves. Friends grow away, or they stab you in the back. Relationships crumble to dust while you frantically try sticking them together with your tears. But they always leave. Nobody is perfect, and perfect people don't leave. Unless you're really messed up ^_~ in which case, I've missed my chance.
It's a weird complex of not being good enough for anyone and nobody being good enough for me. On the one hand, I have a multitude of trust issues, anger management problems, and a focus on the perfect. I see my flaws very clearly and think, 'Who in their right mind would want to marry such a flawed person?' ON the other hand, I see the problems of other people: infidelity, an affinity for leaving, drugs, alcohol, abuse, loneliness, depression, anxiety, pornography, hatred, illiterate, unmotivated, lazy, greedy, ... comfortable.
I can't marry anyone because they're imperfect. In order to not be a hypocrite, nobody can marry me because I'm imperfect!
Marriage is supposed to be two imperfect people loving each other perfectly... I can't trust anybody. I've always had trust issues, mostly caused by my last boyfriend that I seriously need to get over. I know, I acknowledge the root problem of this flaw.
Best friends are one thing; I can trust best friends because when they leave, they just leave emotional damage, but it's all been done before so I'm becoming numb to their nuclear fallout. It doesn't cause as much drama as it did in high school. Marriage partners? When they leave, they completely ruin your life! I've watched my friends and family go through divorce, go through terrible marriage partners, and they always manage to destroy themselves in the process.
I'm afraid in my pain of distrust. I can't trust someone to be there because I would bet my life on the fact that you're not going to be there forever. I met someone on my mission who changed my life. She was my best friend, finished each others' sentences, and had so many plans for when we got off our missions. We were going to play Pokemon together, text every day, write every week, Skype once a week, get to know each other, and she has barely spoken to me since I got home. A quick phone call, a few texts barely skimming the surface of hurt, and she... I don't know where she is.
Part of me says, 'Well, she probably went to Germany early to see her dad, and her phone doesn't work across the continent, so that's why.' The other, more rational part of me that stopped believing, says, 'Another one bites the dust.'
Rushing into a marriage simply to prove myself wrong isn't in the cards for me. I'm not that type of person. I don't know how to deflect the resigned sadness inside, but I'm not going to trust any 'Prince Charming' that comes humming along, thinking he can 'fix' me.
I'm not broken; just worn out.
