I'm experiencing a joy no one else can see.
You can't feel or touch it
or see what's happening to me
but I'm happy.
I'm exultant in the morning
because I know it's there, that secret joy
and in this world where chaos and evil seem to stand the test of time
I want to offer my light
little light
to the world.
I can't be happy because
I'm worried about you
your reaction
whether or not the circumstances are pleasing to you.
Because my joy is now a door that hinges on your acceptance
and I have to worry about you more than me
your perception and not how I feel.
I have to keep it inside
and hide
and keep it away
so much keeping
rather than opening
rather than sharing
Rather than being happy for myself and those around me, rather than smiling for my family I dress myself like I'm ashamed of what's happening because that's how you would react. I hide my changing body and my face and my emotions and act like everything is the same when it's so different and I'm so different. All I want to do is tell and talk and share and sympathize and because of you I have to hide this most precious part of me like it's something I didn't want, like the only thing to think of are consequences and labels and not the moments and movements of a glorious future unfolding full of love and kindness.
I understand where you're coming from. I understand that you're worried, why you think the circumstances should determine my happiness. I'm quiet because I understand. I resent you, but I understand. The last thing I want to do if push you further away because you think my life has a timetable.
I do this
and you can't be offended.
You won't get
to squawk
to talk
and bemoan the lack of trust
you've already determined my timing wasn't good enough.
Don't be surprised.
You can't feel or touch it
or see what's happening to me
but I'm happy.
I'm exultant in the morning
because I know it's there, that secret joy
and in this world where chaos and evil seem to stand the test of time
I want to offer my light
little light
to the world.
I can't be happy because
I'm worried about you
your reaction
whether or not the circumstances are pleasing to you.
Because my joy is now a door that hinges on your acceptance
and I have to worry about you more than me
your perception and not how I feel.
I have to keep it inside
and hide
and keep it away
so much keeping
rather than opening
rather than sharing
Rather than being happy for myself and those around me, rather than smiling for my family I dress myself like I'm ashamed of what's happening because that's how you would react. I hide my changing body and my face and my emotions and act like everything is the same when it's so different and I'm so different. All I want to do is tell and talk and share and sympathize and because of you I have to hide this most precious part of me like it's something I didn't want, like the only thing to think of are consequences and labels and not the moments and movements of a glorious future unfolding full of love and kindness.
I understand where you're coming from. I understand that you're worried, why you think the circumstances should determine my happiness. I'm quiet because I understand. I resent you, but I understand. The last thing I want to do if push you further away because you think my life has a timetable.
I do this
and you can't be offended.
You won't get
to squawk
to talk
and bemoan the lack of trust
you've already determined my timing wasn't good enough.
Don't be surprised.
