"My boyfriend was abusive, so I broke up with him, but my relationship isn't as fulfilling, even though he's a great guy"
"I keep checking up on my ex-girlfriend over social media. I just want to make sure she's happy."
"I don't have a relationship as exciting as with my ex."
"It feels like they're the only person I'm going to love forever."
Sound familiar?
You're in luck! Today I'm going to break down why people feel this way!
First off, let's get one thing out of the way. You are NOT a bad person for breaking up with someone who was bad for you. Sometimes people just don't click. That's not a bad thing. You're not a bad person. Even if they abused you and seem to be doing better with someone else, that doesn't mean you breaking up with them was wrong. How do I know? Personal experience. Let's take a look at 'The Office', in particular the scene where Jim and Pam (stupidly) go to Roy's wedding. Pam notices how fancy everything is, much more elaborate than her own wedding. Roy seems nicer, he owns his own successful gravel company, AND he learns how to play the piano just to serenade his new wife. Does Jim ever play the piano? No. Does Jim give her a super fancy wedding? Well, Jim makes her grandma think she's a slut.
But we love Jim! Pam loves Jim! Why does she suddenly feel so awkward in her own relationship? Because abuse is addictive, and addictions take a lifetime to break. Look at how Roy treats her in the first season. He ignores her, talks over her, won't let her make her own decisions, and forces her to do things she doesn't want to do. He doesn't even see Jim as a threat because he's so confident that he knows Pam's limitations. Granted, Pam isn't perfect either, but we're looking specifically at Roy's side of the relationship. It's obvious they're just in this because it's comfortable.
Is Pam a bad person for breaking up with him? Would he eventually have learned how to play the piano for her? We'll never know and we never HAVE to know. It's logical to say that he probably wouldn't have, but that's not the point. The point is that Pam married Jim and is happier with him now than she was with Roy then.
Need another analogy? I'm allergic to basil in a psychological way. I loved pesto and ate it at every opportunity until I got sick. Now I can't have what even looks like it because my body is so sure it is poisonous to me. If I even think basil is in a dish, I get sick, regardless of whether or not it was used in preparation of the meal. Does this mean basil is bad for everyone? No. My Mom still loves basil and grows it to make her own pesto. My husband eats basil in his pasta, my friends enjoy it with fresh salads or pizza, and that's ok. I'm allergic to something that not a lot of people are. That doesn't mean I should try and force myself to eat basil to convince everyone else I'm normal.
You can have a bad relationship with someone even if others get along with them. That does not make you crazy or a terrible person. My ex and I were horrible for each other. He cheated on me regularly and while I was nowhere near a model girlfriend, I never cheated on him. We broke up and he dated the girl he had cheated on me with. Does that mean I'm crazy for breaking up with him? I don't think so. We weren't good together; it doesn't mean he couldn't be good with someone else. Orange juice and toothpaste do NOT go together, but that doesn't mean chocolate and mint, or chocolate and orange don't taste great.
Why do we feel the need to check up on our exes? Why is it so wrong that they're happy with someone else?
Most people would say it doesn't matter that they're with someone else, they just want to make sure they're happy. Why does it matter? Why does their happiness matter to you? Millions of people exist, love, hate, and die without you being aware of them, why is this person who caused you so much pain worthy of your notice? Is there really nothing else you could be doing besides making sure your ex is happy? How will you ensure their happiness, if you care so much?
What about missing them? Sure, they cheated on you, but the sex was great, or they were the best kisser you've ever been with. Maybe they were a pathological liar, but you two could talk about anything and everything! Now you're looking at your current relationship and saying, "Well, she's a nice girl, but she's just not as exciting as my ex." or "He treats me really well, but I don't feel the same way about him that I felt about my ex."
First off, you're admitting you should be attracted to the better person you're with. You've acknowledged that your current relationship is healthier. That's a good thing. Now, think back on what could possibly make you want to go back. Selfish desire for passion in the moment? Or maybe it's an addiction.
That's right. I said addiction. You're addicted to your ex. When you're in an abusive relationship, you become addicted to the person because they're constantly disappointing you, so when something good actually happens, it tastes a lot sweeter than it actually is. All those times they came home late, reeking of alcohol and tripping over themselves, all those nights you held your feelings in, or maybe you let them have it, either way, you were disappointed. It became normal. Then they come home early one day. You come in the door, and there they are, ready for a night in with you. You're ecstatic about the change in behavior as opposed to expecting it from a relationship. You no longer expect your significant other to respect you or your wishes for time with them. And you miss that? No, you miss the high you felt when they did something unexpected and good. Just when you were about to give up hope on them, they dump their side chick and say you're number 1. You shouldn't be happy about that. You should expect to be number 1, not wait for them to decide that you're worth it.
You're addicted to an allergy, someone that causes you pain regularly. And if you compare your happiness now to your happiness then, you'll see that it's more stable and better for you. That's not going to stop some people from going out and dating toxic people; people have their own choices after all, but it should prevent you because you need to look out for yourself. You don't start sniffing peanut dust if you're allergic, you don't cover yourself in honey if you're allergic to bee stings, and you definitely can't stay at the top of a roller coaster forever.
If you go in for a crazy relationship, you're going to end up right where you started, and probably a little worse for wear. That's the nature of bad relationships. You might miss the highs, but the highs come with lows and you are not a bad person for not dealing with the lows. This, 'If you can't handle me at my worst' nonsense detrimental to psychological and emotional health because the person is acknowledging their worst is something outside of the norm, not worth handling. The worst should be something outside of their control that you weather together, not a 'quirky' personality trait they bring up. It's one thing to be aware of problems; it's another to be aware of them, yet refuse to fix them. Acknowledging the problem is not the same thing as fixing it.
Break free of them, or at least stay away from them. I say these addictions are lifelong because they're going to consume you for the rest of your days if you let them. The key is to resist the urge to look up your ex, resist the urge to see who/how he's doing, what she's up to with her work. They can be happy without you knowing about it. Someone in India/China/Ireland/Canada/New York/your hometown could be happy without you knowing about it, and it does not detract from your happiness one iota. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your future self. This will either be a day you look back on and regret, or a day you remember for staying strong.
You are more now than you were with them. Every day you exist is another day you were more than they said you could be. Addiction is not love. Abuse is not love.
"I keep checking up on my ex-girlfriend over social media. I just want to make sure she's happy."
"I don't have a relationship as exciting as with my ex."
"It feels like they're the only person I'm going to love forever."
Sound familiar?
You're in luck! Today I'm going to break down why people feel this way!
First off, let's get one thing out of the way. You are NOT a bad person for breaking up with someone who was bad for you. Sometimes people just don't click. That's not a bad thing. You're not a bad person. Even if they abused you and seem to be doing better with someone else, that doesn't mean you breaking up with them was wrong. How do I know? Personal experience. Let's take a look at 'The Office', in particular the scene where Jim and Pam (stupidly) go to Roy's wedding. Pam notices how fancy everything is, much more elaborate than her own wedding. Roy seems nicer, he owns his own successful gravel company, AND he learns how to play the piano just to serenade his new wife. Does Jim ever play the piano? No. Does Jim give her a super fancy wedding? Well, Jim makes her grandma think she's a slut.
But we love Jim! Pam loves Jim! Why does she suddenly feel so awkward in her own relationship? Because abuse is addictive, and addictions take a lifetime to break. Look at how Roy treats her in the first season. He ignores her, talks over her, won't let her make her own decisions, and forces her to do things she doesn't want to do. He doesn't even see Jim as a threat because he's so confident that he knows Pam's limitations. Granted, Pam isn't perfect either, but we're looking specifically at Roy's side of the relationship. It's obvious they're just in this because it's comfortable.
Is Pam a bad person for breaking up with him? Would he eventually have learned how to play the piano for her? We'll never know and we never HAVE to know. It's logical to say that he probably wouldn't have, but that's not the point. The point is that Pam married Jim and is happier with him now than she was with Roy then.
Need another analogy? I'm allergic to basil in a psychological way. I loved pesto and ate it at every opportunity until I got sick. Now I can't have what even looks like it because my body is so sure it is poisonous to me. If I even think basil is in a dish, I get sick, regardless of whether or not it was used in preparation of the meal. Does this mean basil is bad for everyone? No. My Mom still loves basil and grows it to make her own pesto. My husband eats basil in his pasta, my friends enjoy it with fresh salads or pizza, and that's ok. I'm allergic to something that not a lot of people are. That doesn't mean I should try and force myself to eat basil to convince everyone else I'm normal.
You can have a bad relationship with someone even if others get along with them. That does not make you crazy or a terrible person. My ex and I were horrible for each other. He cheated on me regularly and while I was nowhere near a model girlfriend, I never cheated on him. We broke up and he dated the girl he had cheated on me with. Does that mean I'm crazy for breaking up with him? I don't think so. We weren't good together; it doesn't mean he couldn't be good with someone else. Orange juice and toothpaste do NOT go together, but that doesn't mean chocolate and mint, or chocolate and orange don't taste great.
Why do we feel the need to check up on our exes? Why is it so wrong that they're happy with someone else?
Most people would say it doesn't matter that they're with someone else, they just want to make sure they're happy. Why does it matter? Why does their happiness matter to you? Millions of people exist, love, hate, and die without you being aware of them, why is this person who caused you so much pain worthy of your notice? Is there really nothing else you could be doing besides making sure your ex is happy? How will you ensure their happiness, if you care so much?
What about missing them? Sure, they cheated on you, but the sex was great, or they were the best kisser you've ever been with. Maybe they were a pathological liar, but you two could talk about anything and everything! Now you're looking at your current relationship and saying, "Well, she's a nice girl, but she's just not as exciting as my ex." or "He treats me really well, but I don't feel the same way about him that I felt about my ex."
First off, you're admitting you should be attracted to the better person you're with. You've acknowledged that your current relationship is healthier. That's a good thing. Now, think back on what could possibly make you want to go back. Selfish desire for passion in the moment? Or maybe it's an addiction.
That's right. I said addiction. You're addicted to your ex. When you're in an abusive relationship, you become addicted to the person because they're constantly disappointing you, so when something good actually happens, it tastes a lot sweeter than it actually is. All those times they came home late, reeking of alcohol and tripping over themselves, all those nights you held your feelings in, or maybe you let them have it, either way, you were disappointed. It became normal. Then they come home early one day. You come in the door, and there they are, ready for a night in with you. You're ecstatic about the change in behavior as opposed to expecting it from a relationship. You no longer expect your significant other to respect you or your wishes for time with them. And you miss that? No, you miss the high you felt when they did something unexpected and good. Just when you were about to give up hope on them, they dump their side chick and say you're number 1. You shouldn't be happy about that. You should expect to be number 1, not wait for them to decide that you're worth it.
You're addicted to an allergy, someone that causes you pain regularly. And if you compare your happiness now to your happiness then, you'll see that it's more stable and better for you. That's not going to stop some people from going out and dating toxic people; people have their own choices after all, but it should prevent you because you need to look out for yourself. You don't start sniffing peanut dust if you're allergic, you don't cover yourself in honey if you're allergic to bee stings, and you definitely can't stay at the top of a roller coaster forever.
If you go in for a crazy relationship, you're going to end up right where you started, and probably a little worse for wear. That's the nature of bad relationships. You might miss the highs, but the highs come with lows and you are not a bad person for not dealing with the lows. This, 'If you can't handle me at my worst' nonsense detrimental to psychological and emotional health because the person is acknowledging their worst is something outside of the norm, not worth handling. The worst should be something outside of their control that you weather together, not a 'quirky' personality trait they bring up. It's one thing to be aware of problems; it's another to be aware of them, yet refuse to fix them. Acknowledging the problem is not the same thing as fixing it.
Break free of them, or at least stay away from them. I say these addictions are lifelong because they're going to consume you for the rest of your days if you let them. The key is to resist the urge to look up your ex, resist the urge to see who/how he's doing, what she's up to with her work. They can be happy without you knowing about it. Someone in India/China/Ireland/Canada/New York/your hometown could be happy without you knowing about it, and it does not detract from your happiness one iota. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your future self. This will either be a day you look back on and regret, or a day you remember for staying strong.
You are more now than you were with them. Every day you exist is another day you were more than they said you could be. Addiction is not love. Abuse is not love.
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