I'm running out of time
But that's not right.
I'm really running out of energy. The right energy.
Growing up, we sometimes make up things to get the sweet stuff, like, 'I have a dinner tummy and a dessert tummy' to try explaining that we didn't want any more dinner, but we had plenty of room for the ice cream. I feel that way about my life sometimes. I don't have any energy for the stuff I don't want to do, but I can stay up all night reading or something. Right now my baby is asleep on my bed and he didn't get a shower today. Not a huge deal, but he did go swimming, so he has chlorine on him. He ate crackers and a cookie in bed, so there are crumbs everywhere, plus my tool bag from playing keep away, a mostly-clean diaper that I took off before we went swimming, a book he was reading to grandparents, and clean laundry that still needs to be folded and put away.
My husband has been gone for almost a week and I feel like I haven't gotten anything done that I wanted to. The room is still a mess, there is still laundry everywhere, and I feel like a failure.
The thing is... just existing in the morning is exhausting. Just running around after my kid is exhausting, not just physically, but mentally, I am responsible for this child, his mental and physical well-being. Before having kids, I could go to the store and NOT think about things. Walk into the store, grab a cart, grab things, buy things, leave with things. I probably wasn't going to be kidnapped, so I could rule out that, and as long as I kept my giant wallet in my cart right by my hands, nobody was going to grab it from me. Plus, I didn't let anybody get close enough to try it. With a kid, I have to worry about where he's going, what he's next to, if someone gets close to him. Even being home, with nobody else around, I'm worried about him falling down the stairs or getting into the trash when I turn my head, something happening to him. I'm conscious of myself without thinking, but I have to force myself to remember him, constantly, and it's mentally draining.
I take a nap near the second half of the day, not the middle, but sometime around 2-3 because that's when my brain shuts down. It doesn't matter how early I am awake or how early I go to bed, I am exhausted around that time and will remain exhausted until I collapse into bed.
My energy for reading, for typing, or for watching YouTube videos seems never-ending though. I feel bad that I can't transfer that energy, the energy that would let me play Skyrim all night, or read a book until 3 in the morning, but I can't. That energy exists in a place untouchable by my real duties and obligations.
I've had to allow myself the privilege of relaxing and taking a break. I have to coach myself through the day, which is humiliating, but it's all in my head, so thankfully nobody else can hear me telling myself it's totally ok to take a nap today, or eat a muffin instead of a piece of fruit. Totally ok to drowse a little and let your child wreak havoc on the room. I can get ready to go swimming, get my child ready, Skype friends and family, make that hard phone call. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth and just do something, but there's nothing wrong with a little self-love. Treat yourself like you would your best friend. When you see that you're struggling, give yourself a break. You'd tell your friend to do the same, maybe even force them, so extend yourself the same kindness. Think of yourself as a friend, project your actions onto a friend and see if you'd still judge them so harshly.
And if you do, maybe counseling is the next step in your self love process. That's fine. We all need help and there's nothing wrong with a therapist when you need to fix your relationship with somebody, even if that person is yourself.
But that's not right.
I'm really running out of energy. The right energy.
Growing up, we sometimes make up things to get the sweet stuff, like, 'I have a dinner tummy and a dessert tummy' to try explaining that we didn't want any more dinner, but we had plenty of room for the ice cream. I feel that way about my life sometimes. I don't have any energy for the stuff I don't want to do, but I can stay up all night reading or something. Right now my baby is asleep on my bed and he didn't get a shower today. Not a huge deal, but he did go swimming, so he has chlorine on him. He ate crackers and a cookie in bed, so there are crumbs everywhere, plus my tool bag from playing keep away, a mostly-clean diaper that I took off before we went swimming, a book he was reading to grandparents, and clean laundry that still needs to be folded and put away.
My husband has been gone for almost a week and I feel like I haven't gotten anything done that I wanted to. The room is still a mess, there is still laundry everywhere, and I feel like a failure.
The thing is... just existing in the morning is exhausting. Just running around after my kid is exhausting, not just physically, but mentally, I am responsible for this child, his mental and physical well-being. Before having kids, I could go to the store and NOT think about things. Walk into the store, grab a cart, grab things, buy things, leave with things. I probably wasn't going to be kidnapped, so I could rule out that, and as long as I kept my giant wallet in my cart right by my hands, nobody was going to grab it from me. Plus, I didn't let anybody get close enough to try it. With a kid, I have to worry about where he's going, what he's next to, if someone gets close to him. Even being home, with nobody else around, I'm worried about him falling down the stairs or getting into the trash when I turn my head, something happening to him. I'm conscious of myself without thinking, but I have to force myself to remember him, constantly, and it's mentally draining.
I take a nap near the second half of the day, not the middle, but sometime around 2-3 because that's when my brain shuts down. It doesn't matter how early I am awake or how early I go to bed, I am exhausted around that time and will remain exhausted until I collapse into bed.
My energy for reading, for typing, or for watching YouTube videos seems never-ending though. I feel bad that I can't transfer that energy, the energy that would let me play Skyrim all night, or read a book until 3 in the morning, but I can't. That energy exists in a place untouchable by my real duties and obligations.
I've had to allow myself the privilege of relaxing and taking a break. I have to coach myself through the day, which is humiliating, but it's all in my head, so thankfully nobody else can hear me telling myself it's totally ok to take a nap today, or eat a muffin instead of a piece of fruit. Totally ok to drowse a little and let your child wreak havoc on the room. I can get ready to go swimming, get my child ready, Skype friends and family, make that hard phone call. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth and just do something, but there's nothing wrong with a little self-love. Treat yourself like you would your best friend. When you see that you're struggling, give yourself a break. You'd tell your friend to do the same, maybe even force them, so extend yourself the same kindness. Think of yourself as a friend, project your actions onto a friend and see if you'd still judge them so harshly.
And if you do, maybe counseling is the next step in your self love process. That's fine. We all need help and there's nothing wrong with a therapist when you need to fix your relationship with somebody, even if that person is yourself.
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