I'm not sure how to phrase this, or even start this post, without sounding like a cliche workout video or a feel-good movie. I've been thinking a lot about this over the past few days and I was watching a TV show where the mom feels invisible, like she disappeared or was swallowed up by her responsibilities and her wants became encompassed by duty.
This is a common theme in TV, and even movies. Someone in a position of power is overwhelmed by how much is expected of them. Gone are the days when you answered to yourself and if you did anything, you could fix it or take pride in it. Either way, it belonged to you. Once you get into a relationship with another human being, whether you're the king, employer, husband or mother, that position in that relationship gives you power and with that power comes great responsibility.
Being a mom means I constantly have to choose what's best for my kid. There exists a dichotomy in my brain of what I want to do and what the mom wants to do, like at 4:30 in the morning when my kid is nuzzling me for food. I want to push him away and go back to sleep, but the mom in me wants to feed him. I'm not illogical, so I feed him. Sometimes I want to take a bath and pretend I can't hear him crying outside the bathroom door, or my husband frantically trying to calm him down, but I'm a mom, so I open the door and I'm a wife so I towel off and entertain my son so my husband stops feeling like a failure.
What I want to do is lock my kid in his bedroom with all his toys and a canister of snacks and play a video game. I want to work on crocheting a blanket, or sewing his stocking, or even cooking something. I want to go for a run or organize the laundry or vacuum, any number of things I'd like to do but I have a baby clinging to my legs, torso, or breast and I can't.
It would be easy, and it is easy, to blame the people in my life for the things that have gone wrong. I would like to blame my husband for getting me pregnant so I couldn't go to school. I'd like to blame my baby for making me gain 50 lbs and preventing me from exercising, sleeping, or shaving. I'd like to blame everyone for my problems because it's easier than admitting they're not my problems, they're my consequences for having responsibilities.
In the end, I weigh 187.5 lbs, probably about 50 lbs more than I need to weigh. I have dyed red hair that looks pretty awful, but my hair also looks thicker. I can't work on my writing because my baby growing and developing mentally and physically is more important than any story I have to tell. I can't clean my house because my baby has SEVERE separation anxiety. I don't look good in my clothes, nor do I have a lot that fit my body anymore.
And that's something I have to live with. I'd rather eat sugar than give it up because it's my 'smoking' or 'drinking', the one thing I have left to relax me. I can't sleep when I want to do what I want when I want to, and sometimes I play on my phone for an hour instead of doing the dishes when he's taking a nap because I'm selfish. And maybe that isn't ok, but it's me and my coping. I have a lot of bad things that I want to change, a lot of me that I want to get rid of.
Everyone says to live in the moment, treasure the present, don't let a minute pass you by. I think living in the moment means living with yourself, as you are, in that moment. So, for now, I'm an overweight ugly girl. That's me. Not in a self-pity way, just a that's how it is way. I don't get to do what I want, and that's hard. But I'm a mom. It'd be like a firefighter deciding they didn't want to help put out a forest fire and skipping out to get ice cream or work out. Being a mom is my job, it's something I signed up for when I had sex. My job as a mom means I put him first, even if and especially when it's inconvenient for me. My job as a wife means I clean up when I don't want to, scratch backs when I REALLY don't want to, and listen to him ramble about politics when the American people could elect a rabbit for President and I'd be hard pressed to care. I don't care about Israeli oil stocks... not my cup of tea, not my forte, not how I choose to idle away the hours.
I'm a mom because that's my job. I'm a wife because that's my job. I get compensated for my time. 'Get a job in your passion and you'll never work a day in your life!', except sometimes it is work. Sometimes you force yourself to paint that picture or write that story because that's what you're getting paid to do. Maybe you want to go home for the holidays but you have to go to Rome to interview a Catholic bishop. Maybe you're filming a great show, but the guest keeps cracking horrible jokes in between takes. Maybe you have to mix 400 gallons of a specific color of paint for your mural, but the color can only be achieved in pint or quart batches. Every job is a job sometimes so even though I love my husband and I love my baby and most of the time, my work is enjoyable, there are times when it's not, especially when I'm sick or hungry or tired, and I think it's ok to admit that building a family is work and I don't enjoy it. My family has become my group of coworkers that I complain to about everything because my Mom and Dad have done the same job before and my sisters are 'looking into the field'.
I am not defined by my jobs, but by my accomplishments, and I have accomplished being a mom and a wife. I cook, clean, and worry, I put them before myself. I am talented in the art of 'being selfless' especially when being selfish would be so much easier... when not fixing an argument would be easier/100% justified in my eyes.
My identity is everything that I am, jobs included, the sum total of my experiences and everything that makes me unique and different. So, while I'm a rape victim, I'm also a writer and a mom and a wife. I'm a sometimes-painter and a beader, attempted crocheter and a cook. I have my Bachelor's degree and I know how to change a tire and I've almost memorized how to change my own oil. I'm my own superhero because I put the needs of the important above my own wants. So maybe it'll take me forever to finish Skyrim or SWTOR (sorry babe). Actually, it probably will take me forever because I want to go to diesel mechanic school... but that just means I'm putting my job first as a career woman with the end goal being kids that make good decisions and a husband I can stand being around for 50-60 years. It's going to take a long time and I'm going to change my personality along with my goals and skill set, but it's all part of my identity, past, present, and future.
This is a common theme in TV, and even movies. Someone in a position of power is overwhelmed by how much is expected of them. Gone are the days when you answered to yourself and if you did anything, you could fix it or take pride in it. Either way, it belonged to you. Once you get into a relationship with another human being, whether you're the king, employer, husband or mother, that position in that relationship gives you power and with that power comes great responsibility.
Being a mom means I constantly have to choose what's best for my kid. There exists a dichotomy in my brain of what I want to do and what the mom wants to do, like at 4:30 in the morning when my kid is nuzzling me for food. I want to push him away and go back to sleep, but the mom in me wants to feed him. I'm not illogical, so I feed him. Sometimes I want to take a bath and pretend I can't hear him crying outside the bathroom door, or my husband frantically trying to calm him down, but I'm a mom, so I open the door and I'm a wife so I towel off and entertain my son so my husband stops feeling like a failure.
What I want to do is lock my kid in his bedroom with all his toys and a canister of snacks and play a video game. I want to work on crocheting a blanket, or sewing his stocking, or even cooking something. I want to go for a run or organize the laundry or vacuum, any number of things I'd like to do but I have a baby clinging to my legs, torso, or breast and I can't.
It would be easy, and it is easy, to blame the people in my life for the things that have gone wrong. I would like to blame my husband for getting me pregnant so I couldn't go to school. I'd like to blame my baby for making me gain 50 lbs and preventing me from exercising, sleeping, or shaving. I'd like to blame everyone for my problems because it's easier than admitting they're not my problems, they're my consequences for having responsibilities.
In the end, I weigh 187.5 lbs, probably about 50 lbs more than I need to weigh. I have dyed red hair that looks pretty awful, but my hair also looks thicker. I can't work on my writing because my baby growing and developing mentally and physically is more important than any story I have to tell. I can't clean my house because my baby has SEVERE separation anxiety. I don't look good in my clothes, nor do I have a lot that fit my body anymore.
And that's something I have to live with. I'd rather eat sugar than give it up because it's my 'smoking' or 'drinking', the one thing I have left to relax me. I can't sleep when I want to do what I want when I want to, and sometimes I play on my phone for an hour instead of doing the dishes when he's taking a nap because I'm selfish. And maybe that isn't ok, but it's me and my coping. I have a lot of bad things that I want to change, a lot of me that I want to get rid of.
Everyone says to live in the moment, treasure the present, don't let a minute pass you by. I think living in the moment means living with yourself, as you are, in that moment. So, for now, I'm an overweight ugly girl. That's me. Not in a self-pity way, just a that's how it is way. I don't get to do what I want, and that's hard. But I'm a mom. It'd be like a firefighter deciding they didn't want to help put out a forest fire and skipping out to get ice cream or work out. Being a mom is my job, it's something I signed up for when I had sex. My job as a mom means I put him first, even if and especially when it's inconvenient for me. My job as a wife means I clean up when I don't want to, scratch backs when I REALLY don't want to, and listen to him ramble about politics when the American people could elect a rabbit for President and I'd be hard pressed to care. I don't care about Israeli oil stocks... not my cup of tea, not my forte, not how I choose to idle away the hours.
I'm a mom because that's my job. I'm a wife because that's my job. I get compensated for my time. 'Get a job in your passion and you'll never work a day in your life!', except sometimes it is work. Sometimes you force yourself to paint that picture or write that story because that's what you're getting paid to do. Maybe you want to go home for the holidays but you have to go to Rome to interview a Catholic bishop. Maybe you're filming a great show, but the guest keeps cracking horrible jokes in between takes. Maybe you have to mix 400 gallons of a specific color of paint for your mural, but the color can only be achieved in pint or quart batches. Every job is a job sometimes so even though I love my husband and I love my baby and most of the time, my work is enjoyable, there are times when it's not, especially when I'm sick or hungry or tired, and I think it's ok to admit that building a family is work and I don't enjoy it. My family has become my group of coworkers that I complain to about everything because my Mom and Dad have done the same job before and my sisters are 'looking into the field'.
I am not defined by my jobs, but by my accomplishments, and I have accomplished being a mom and a wife. I cook, clean, and worry, I put them before myself. I am talented in the art of 'being selfless' especially when being selfish would be so much easier... when not fixing an argument would be easier/100% justified in my eyes.
My identity is everything that I am, jobs included, the sum total of my experiences and everything that makes me unique and different. So, while I'm a rape victim, I'm also a writer and a mom and a wife. I'm a sometimes-painter and a beader, attempted crocheter and a cook. I have my Bachelor's degree and I know how to change a tire and I've almost memorized how to change my own oil. I'm my own superhero because I put the needs of the important above my own wants. So maybe it'll take me forever to finish Skyrim or SWTOR (sorry babe). Actually, it probably will take me forever because I want to go to diesel mechanic school... but that just means I'm putting my job first as a career woman with the end goal being kids that make good decisions and a husband I can stand being around for 50-60 years. It's going to take a long time and I'm going to change my personality along with my goals and skill set, but it's all part of my identity, past, present, and future.
No comments:
Post a Comment