I still don't feel like a mom. I wake up to my kid breastfeeding, I fall asleep with him in my arms, I bathe him and kiss him and love him. I don't feel like a mom.
Maybe there's some switch or something that gets pulled so I don't feel like I'm just babysitting someone's kid until they come back. I'm terrified to tell people they can't hold my child because... what if they're his real parents? People hug him and play with him and I... uneasily hold him. I don't like being in public. I want to feel like his mother, like I know what's going on and how to parent him and when I should transfer him to a crib but there's no manual. I can't tell people what it's like to be a mom because I still don't know. I love this little boy so much, but I feel that, at any moment, someone will come to take him away.
That could be a reason so many mothers-in-law don't get along with their sons' wives; they're paranoid about finally getting cut out of their life, like this is the one person they spent their child's life hating and avoiding and waiting for. It's going to be hard to let him go when he means so much to me. When I bathed him and worried about what color his poop was and got peed on at all hours of the night. I cut his nails and gave him carrots and I can't imagine how it's going to feel when she finally marries him.
For now, I have a friend who comes over most days. We write together and I imagine I'm going to put that writing up here. I need to practice typing more... I think my typing speed is slowing down and my coherence is dropping. Hopefully this will help me exercise and stretch my writing muscles. It's been too long and I think I've been too complacent and lazy.
Maybe there's some switch or something that gets pulled so I don't feel like I'm just babysitting someone's kid until they come back. I'm terrified to tell people they can't hold my child because... what if they're his real parents? People hug him and play with him and I... uneasily hold him. I don't like being in public. I want to feel like his mother, like I know what's going on and how to parent him and when I should transfer him to a crib but there's no manual. I can't tell people what it's like to be a mom because I still don't know. I love this little boy so much, but I feel that, at any moment, someone will come to take him away.
That could be a reason so many mothers-in-law don't get along with their sons' wives; they're paranoid about finally getting cut out of their life, like this is the one person they spent their child's life hating and avoiding and waiting for. It's going to be hard to let him go when he means so much to me. When I bathed him and worried about what color his poop was and got peed on at all hours of the night. I cut his nails and gave him carrots and I can't imagine how it's going to feel when she finally marries him.
For now, I have a friend who comes over most days. We write together and I imagine I'm going to put that writing up here. I need to practice typing more... I think my typing speed is slowing down and my coherence is dropping. Hopefully this will help me exercise and stretch my writing muscles. It's been too long and I think I've been too complacent and lazy.
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