Today, I unfriended a lot of people on Facebook. It doesn't seem like a big deal until I tell you they were people I served my mission and went to high school with. Those are two really big social experiences in a person's life that should make them forever friends. Both of them can be terrible experiences, but it's the friends who make those days worthwhile, even while it's really hard.
I got out of high school and everybody tried to be my friend. Well, that's not a good way to start off this paragraph... People want to be my friend. I'm funny and sarcastic, I joke about everything and accept everyone. I try not to pick on people and am nice to everybody. I make self-deprecating jokes, or jokes about common topics that everyone finds funny. I simplify a lot of things. I'm smart, yet relaxed. All those qualities are why people want to be my friend.
Like everyone reading this blog, people have hurt me. Boyfriends, chick friends, parents, siblings, everyone. Everyone, at some point, has hurt someone. No exceptions. I don't like being hurt, so I avoid friends. In most cases, I go out of my way to get rid of them. If I haven't talked to someone in a long time, I unfriend them. I block them completely out of my life and I don't think about them anymore. This means the longest friend I've ever had is a guy I met in college.
And our friendship isn't the most functional. We met in math class and, since I had a boyfriend at the time, I didn't feel awkward trying to reach out. We hung out a few times and he became a regular at my apartment. I never wanted to date him; in fact, I set him up with one of the chicks who was hanging around our apartment at the time. They dated and they both came to me to fix their problems because I was a mutual friend and a good listener. Eventually they got married and, like most non-communicative couples, got a divorce. It was really hard since I got the news while I was far away and couldn't talk to them directly. He told me his version and admitted the things he did wrong. She sent me 1 letter, and I never heard from her again.
I came home and figured everything would blow over. I'd already abandoned most of the friends I had made that first year of college, so it was really shocking that he called me one day to talk. I tried giving him the cold shoulder since I wasn't interested in dating him or keeping him in the friend zone, but when I tried to explain that to him, he said that he knew I wouldn't like him, so he was fine in the friend zone. We've kept up a pretty tentative relationship since that point; I even introduced him to my husband.
But he's my oldest friend. 5 years of friendship. A few people have been on my Facebook friends list longer than he has, but he's one of the only people I consider a permanent friend. He's not my best friend, but I know he's going to be the one who sticks around... at least until he gets married. None of my roommates have been those kind of friends. I don't really talk to the same people I did in high school.
----Continuing-----
But I guess that's part of life. You move on and move up, sometimes together, often times not. It's hard to justify a relationship, but for some people, it's harder to justify ending one. My ex boyfriend contacted me a few months ago, out of the blue, asking if we could talk. I didn't want to and denied him. He said if I didn't want any further contact, to just say the word. "The Word"... whatever will make it so I never have to feel this awkward tension between two people who should be strangers for the rest of their lives, however two criminals feel after they accomplished something lowdown, however a pair of grave robbers, united by a common goal, interacts after the mission is complete. Whatever that level of communication is, I want it. I want to pass him on the street and pretend I didn't see him, I want to drive through his home state without feeling paranoid every time I look out my window. I did everything right in our breakup, from the 8 page letter of reasons why it was happening to the 6 hours of discussion that didn't go anywhere. I wrote letters until I couldn't handle it anymore. I became a shell of a person to make sure he understood how I felt, and I gave all I could give. I have nothing more in 'his' box. Nothing in my life belongs to him, there is not 1 experience I could justify in giving him. Everything I have, everything I am, is different and changed. When he reaches across the void, there is nothing reaching back. Perhaps pieces of his life belong to me and those are his attempts to give them back, but honestly, he had his chance.
I felt the same way when my phone lit up last year with a phone call from my stalker. He left no voice mail and I didn't feel comfortable returning his call. I stared in mute terror until 30 seconds had passed, then I breathed a sigh of relief. I wanted nothing more than to run away screaming, and instead just finished blocking the numbers. I'm a new person with a new life, new friends, new husband, new baby (yeah, wow!) and no part of my life belongs to the past. I've said what I wanted to say to everyone and made the amends to people I felt deserved it. There is nothing else in my life for those who have remained in my past.
And while I believe that how it should be for everyone, I understand that others have a stronger emotional tie to people than I do. Congratulations on your way. It is different than mine, but I respect you for those differences so long as they do not hurt you or others. If you need to stay in contact with your exes, continue with no guilt or reproach. My personality is such that I need to leave situations I feel unpleasant and I'm not comfortable reestablishing relationships once they've been destroyed. If your way is different, then please continue and don't be offended because I am different.
I got out of high school and everybody tried to be my friend. Well, that's not a good way to start off this paragraph... People want to be my friend. I'm funny and sarcastic, I joke about everything and accept everyone. I try not to pick on people and am nice to everybody. I make self-deprecating jokes, or jokes about common topics that everyone finds funny. I simplify a lot of things. I'm smart, yet relaxed. All those qualities are why people want to be my friend.
Like everyone reading this blog, people have hurt me. Boyfriends, chick friends, parents, siblings, everyone. Everyone, at some point, has hurt someone. No exceptions. I don't like being hurt, so I avoid friends. In most cases, I go out of my way to get rid of them. If I haven't talked to someone in a long time, I unfriend them. I block them completely out of my life and I don't think about them anymore. This means the longest friend I've ever had is a guy I met in college.
And our friendship isn't the most functional. We met in math class and, since I had a boyfriend at the time, I didn't feel awkward trying to reach out. We hung out a few times and he became a regular at my apartment. I never wanted to date him; in fact, I set him up with one of the chicks who was hanging around our apartment at the time. They dated and they both came to me to fix their problems because I was a mutual friend and a good listener. Eventually they got married and, like most non-communicative couples, got a divorce. It was really hard since I got the news while I was far away and couldn't talk to them directly. He told me his version and admitted the things he did wrong. She sent me 1 letter, and I never heard from her again.
I came home and figured everything would blow over. I'd already abandoned most of the friends I had made that first year of college, so it was really shocking that he called me one day to talk. I tried giving him the cold shoulder since I wasn't interested in dating him or keeping him in the friend zone, but when I tried to explain that to him, he said that he knew I wouldn't like him, so he was fine in the friend zone. We've kept up a pretty tentative relationship since that point; I even introduced him to my husband.
But he's my oldest friend. 5 years of friendship. A few people have been on my Facebook friends list longer than he has, but he's one of the only people I consider a permanent friend. He's not my best friend, but I know he's going to be the one who sticks around... at least until he gets married. None of my roommates have been those kind of friends. I don't really talk to the same people I did in high school.
----Continuing-----
But I guess that's part of life. You move on and move up, sometimes together, often times not. It's hard to justify a relationship, but for some people, it's harder to justify ending one. My ex boyfriend contacted me a few months ago, out of the blue, asking if we could talk. I didn't want to and denied him. He said if I didn't want any further contact, to just say the word. "The Word"... whatever will make it so I never have to feel this awkward tension between two people who should be strangers for the rest of their lives, however two criminals feel after they accomplished something lowdown, however a pair of grave robbers, united by a common goal, interacts after the mission is complete. Whatever that level of communication is, I want it. I want to pass him on the street and pretend I didn't see him, I want to drive through his home state without feeling paranoid every time I look out my window. I did everything right in our breakup, from the 8 page letter of reasons why it was happening to the 6 hours of discussion that didn't go anywhere. I wrote letters until I couldn't handle it anymore. I became a shell of a person to make sure he understood how I felt, and I gave all I could give. I have nothing more in 'his' box. Nothing in my life belongs to him, there is not 1 experience I could justify in giving him. Everything I have, everything I am, is different and changed. When he reaches across the void, there is nothing reaching back. Perhaps pieces of his life belong to me and those are his attempts to give them back, but honestly, he had his chance.
I felt the same way when my phone lit up last year with a phone call from my stalker. He left no voice mail and I didn't feel comfortable returning his call. I stared in mute terror until 30 seconds had passed, then I breathed a sigh of relief. I wanted nothing more than to run away screaming, and instead just finished blocking the numbers. I'm a new person with a new life, new friends, new husband, new baby (yeah, wow!) and no part of my life belongs to the past. I've said what I wanted to say to everyone and made the amends to people I felt deserved it. There is nothing else in my life for those who have remained in my past.
And while I believe that how it should be for everyone, I understand that others have a stronger emotional tie to people than I do. Congratulations on your way. It is different than mine, but I respect you for those differences so long as they do not hurt you or others. If you need to stay in contact with your exes, continue with no guilt or reproach. My personality is such that I need to leave situations I feel unpleasant and I'm not comfortable reestablishing relationships once they've been destroyed. If your way is different, then please continue and don't be offended because I am different.
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